Thursday, December 04, 2008

For Soulmate

I liked it better when I was in New York.... being home now, I've settled back into my not-so-happy place of anxiety and self loathing.... at least my mind was preoccupied with other things over there.... it's 2 in the freakin' A.M. and it's another night of insomnia for me.... unfortunately, there's no nuit blanche to run to.... all I seem to focus on in the darkness of my room is the ticking of my clock.... each tick screaming another second of my life that I will never get back again.... geez, I'm so tortured..... time is such a beeyatch though.... my thoughts remember part of a poem that I sent to my ex-fiancee before I left for good...

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep - while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
~ E.A. Poe

Wow, talk about tortured eh?.... Soulmate says that I'm a tortured soul.... that I seek relationships that are troubled, or that I seek trouble in my relationships.... probably more of the latter.... she said that I thrive on this masochism because it brings out the creative side of myself.... a side that I'm always seeking to express.... I never really saw it that way.... I always just thought that I have bad luck when it comes to girls.... maybe she's right.... maybe TA isn't really that neurotic.... maybe LM didn't really have such big man feet.... maybe MC really wasn't such a slut.... maybe A really wasn't too old for me.... maybe M wasn't that much of a schizophrenic.... maybe R's baggage could be manageable.... maybe J... she was fine actually.... maybe MA wasn't too much of a scatterbrain.... I don't know, it's hard to tell.... and hindsight is always 20/20.... maybe I'm the neurotic one?..... nah....

I don't really want to be tortured anymore.... even if the masochism is my muse.... I don't want to end up cutting off an ear like other creative tortured souls.... and let me tell you, after a fight with TA, it's not just your ear that you'll want to cut off.... also I'm not really a big fan of S&M.... I think it's disgusting.... but at this rate, it looks like the M of S&M will be the likely evolution of my behaviour.... eww sick.... thirdly, I don't want to be an insomniac anymore...

Soulmate, this post's for you.... I hope it was tortured enough :) ..... geez I need some sleep!

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12 comments:

Leah said...

What deep thoughts Angelo. That's quite a list of girls huh? Maybe your soulmate is trying to tell you something else. Hmmmn..

Sleep well!

Angelo said...

Leah: haha, thanks Leah but I'm still having insomnia.... Soulmate's pretty good at diagnosing stuff, she may be right... :)

Gina said...

"When you're weary and couldn't sleep... Just count your blessings, instead of sheep (girls..) " LOL!

I hope you caught that elusive sleep.

Angelo said...

Gina: I wish I had enough to count me to sleep hehe.... when I count numbers I get into the billions and I'm still awake hehe.... maybe tonight :)

mel said...

Deep thoughts occur to me, too, when I'm still wide awake hours past my freaking bedtime. Why is that so? Hope you had a good sleep since you posted this. :)

Angelo said...

mel: you must be a tortured soul as well Mel :) Still can't sleep when I try....I tried teas, relaxing music, reading.... I'm gonna try running during the day so I'll be exhausted by night time... wish me luck.

haze said...

Women are sometimes blind or maybe you just don't see the one who's trying to catch your attention :D ! Isip isip lol !

Angelo said...

Haze: or maybe I have a short attention span? :)

dodong flores said...

I hope you had slept well after writing your thoughts. It's terribly bad for health not having a good sleep. I myself had the same experience in some other times of my life. It was a torture indeed...


Off-topic:
Pamalaye and pamanhikan are the same. Ilonggo and Tagalog terms respectively...

Angelo said...

Dodong Flores: Hey Dodong, congrats and good luck on your engagement!

ghee said...

I enjoyed reading all of your Dec posts,Angelo!

Mushu got bigger eh?

and this post,haha!I know that you posted it seriously,though it sounded hilarious to me the way you mentioned your pasts!haha!It`s the matter of fate,I believe so,and S&M has nothing to do with it!haha,oh,im not one of them btw.

Your soulmate is good,I may say.Maybe she`s the one for you?

If possible,I`d like to share you my sleep,Angelo dear.I sleep very early at night,the reason why I can`t blog.Like you,my mind is so active,(and emotional) at night too.I miss those times that I blog in the middle of the night,esp when you realize that you`re not alone!!

Sleep tight,Angelo....

Angelo said...

Ghee: Me, serious? You should never take me seriously Ghee hehe.... I hope you're right about the S&M.

That's good that you go to bed early now. Blogging is a waste of time hehe.... you should only do it if you have insomnia. "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise".... that's what my Lola used to always say....