Thursday, December 31, 2009

Apology to my Blogger Friends

Dear Blogger Friends,

Please excuse some of my latest posts. The ones whose titles are not properly capitalized? They're just emotional diarrhea that I need to expel in order to relieve the pain in my gut. They're really meant for myself and one other person who's probably not even reading them. I just need a vessel of catharsis and my blog is one of the best things I can think of for that purpose. Like I told GG, it's going to end sadly, so don't even bother following it. If you get an update from me, and it's all in lowercase, ignore it. Unless of course you're a sadomasochist, and enjoy watching someone suffering.... then by all means hehe....

pomdla

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New Year Wishes

I headed to Times Square to visit the wishing wall on Monday....Times Square New Years 2010 007i on New Year's Eve these wishes will be incorporated into the confetti that will shower Times Square at midnight....

Times Square New Years 2010 001Times Square New Years 2010 015Times Square New Years 2010 008Times Square New Years 2010 004
I made three wishes... #1) for more New York.... I wanna stay in this friken awesome city until I get sick of it... which would be like in.... never! #2) strong teeth to deal with all the candy I've been eating.... I'm more than willing to lose all my teeth already just so that I'll get over this unhealthy addiction.... and #3) World Peace.... ya right, like that'll ever happen.... dream on folks, that's what the new year (and NYC) is for.... add your new year wishes to the Times Square Wishing Wall here.... who knows, maybe I'll catch it as it descends into Times Square on New Year's eve?

the sweet young lady who was pinning up everybody's wishes on the wall made a comment to me that she was going to be in a whole bunch of people's holiday photos.... nevermind that I said, try blogs, flickr and a little thing called facebook?.... damn these internets, is that thing still around anyway?.... so here you go sweetheart, Happy New Year to you....
Times Square New Years 2010 016i
there was even a replica of the Times Square New Year ball....
Times Square New Years 2010 011iTimes Square New Years 2010 010iTimes Square New Years 2010 017i
unfortunately, my flight did not arrive in time for me to make it to the "Good Riddance Day" festivities....
on Monday, a dumpster, shredder and sledge hammer were available at Fr. Duffy Square for everyone to get rid of any old baggage, memories or what not before the new year arrives.... I found a regular old rubbish bin and threw out some old candy that I found in my pocket.... it had been there for too long and was starting to melt into the fabric of my pocket.... that can't be healthy.... I feel ready to welcome 2010.... look out for me on t.v.!

Happy New Year folks!

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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

hold on hold tight, make it through another night

"what do you want of me" you asked.... I want your faith.... I need your faith.... I am consumed by my fears and my doubts.... I need to believe in the magic that once surrounded our life.... the path was clearly marked back then.... the signs were big and bright, and we could never miss them.... you have opened my eyes again to that magic.... or is it that that magic only exists when you're around.... I feel it in waves and waves of neuro-transmission throughout my being....

someone once told me that I would be lost without you.... I knew even back then that he was right.... but I never knew how difficult it would be.... to be lost without you.... but finding you again now, and knowing that you've found me too, is almost as hard....

tell me your fears and doubts.... I can't promise you that I can make them all go away.... but I can promise you that I will always be there to share the burden.... I'm sorry if I've made your burdens heavier by opening your eyes.... whatever little faith I have left is yours....

as for me, I will follow the path you light.... I'm still unsure as to which direction to go, but what I do know is that you give my existence purpose.... I'm not so lost when you're around.... take my hand and we can feel our way out of this darkness together.... please hang in there for me....

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but i stood and said goodbye

"nostalgia's thick as the August air" you sang to me.... "old conversations begin again".... you certainly transported me back to another time.... the smiles are the same, I hear the songs in the background like they were new again.... it's like I never left.... actually, that was not entirely your doing.... homie says I need to stop living in the past.... but I just can't help myself.... it just feels so right there.... with you....

when this song was new, and I first heard it, I feared its words.... I feared that if I let you go, I would lose you.... but I was willing to do so, to avoid being caught in the cross-fire.... unfortunately, we both know that I was wounded in that cross-fire.... I've finally healed now.... eventually I did end up losing you.... but it wasn't from holding on to you so tightly.... I was holding so tightly to my pain and anger.... I've finally let those go....

you're not "the one that got away".... don't put his thoughts into my head.... please don't turn me into him.... you're the one I let go but never really left.... you've always been there, no matter what I do to get away.... you're the one that haunts me.... haunts me with the way you cared.... with the way you understood.... with the way you gave of yourself to me like to no one else.... you are "the one".... you are the love of my life....

it's true.... you are the love of my life.... and I would be a fool to not give it one more try.... no matter how small the window that's been opened is.... I would, however, also be a fool to believe in my happy endings.... I just don't have that kind of faith anymore.... but maybe you still do....

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they broke the mold when you came in this world

ce jour est pour toi.....

bon fĂȘte....

je t'adore pour toujours....

et tu me manques beaucoup....

gawd I know it's so old and so boy-band....

but it was new when we were new....

and that line gets me every time....


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don't let me go

this is killing me more.... my pretty little bubble burst too soon.... radio silence with you is way harder than I anticipated.... especially after being spit out of that awesome whirlwind with you.... thankfully, I have this blog into which I can blow my chunks so I don't get your pretty little dress all dirty.... I feel like maybe I'm slipping away from you already.... gawd I hope not.... I hope you ache for me as much as I ache for you.... probably not though.... I should face reality....

I know I said that I would remove you from my list.... but I just can't do it.... aside from that, a few messages, and four conversations.... it's all I have left of you to cling to.... my only connection to you after years of disconnect.... I read them over and over again trying to see if I misinterpreted anything.... I know I know, I over analyze....

"have a little faith" you said.... I remember the days when you used to tell me that I would pull you up, into Heaven.... I think the tables have turned.... I need you to pull me up now.... maybe you will help to restore my faith completely....

or maybe you will give me the bitch slap that I need to finally move on.... if that's even possible.... I've stopped believing in happy endings.... happy endings for me anyway.... either way, be well.... I miss you more than ever....

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until i see you on that bridge

how can I possibly let you go.... years ago, you gave your heart to me like to no one else.... at least that's what I keep telling myself.... you need to go now, I know.... but no matter where your path leads you.... you must know where home is.... it's with me.... it's always been with me.... it will always be with me....

no one can ever love you as much as me.... you must know this by now.... I'll do what I gotta do to take care of you.... we're older now, we're wiser.... we're young enough to start anew.... it'll be different this time around.... it'll be better....

"home is where the heart is" you used to always say.... please come home soon.... until then, and no matter what happens....

always remember....

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oui

I listen over and over again....
no ambiguities....
no metaphors....
just clarity....

that's what I hear....
no over analysis necessary....
only love....
it's all I want too....

with eyes wide open....
I won't screw it up this time....
no more to and fro....
I won't disappoint you....

for God's sake not again....
I'd rather die first...
please be there....
I'll be waiting....

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until i want what you want

you've taken over my blog.... just like you've taken over my psyche.... just like you've taken over my heart.... just like you've taken over my soul.... they all belong to you alone.... they always will, no matter what the future brings....

how do you do it?.... make me fall in love with you more by telling me goodbye?.... it was the right thing to do sending me away.... I'm so proud of you.... I'm so in love again with the person that you are.... even more so this time around....

so I let you go to do what you want to do.... I let you go once before, my elusive butterfly.... so you could find your bliss.... I reached out my open palm years later and you floated back down to me.... your stay was so short and light, but I felt you land on me like a tonne of bricks....

I'm letting you go now, but know this.... if you ever float back down to me again, I will never let you get away.... until then, travel lightly....

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i miss the years that were erased

stop calling me friend.... why don't you just take a dagger and thrust in into my 4th or 5th left intercostal space at the mid-clavicular line why don't you.... I'm not your friend.... I'm your ex-boyfriend.... the one you spent six years of your life with?.... the one you were going to spend the rest of your life with?.... the one who was going to be the father of your children?.... hello, still remember me?.... speaking of which, you had no hesitations about booking San Agustin Church with me.... so why do you hesitate with others?.... because I'm not your friend, I never will be, and you haven't forgotten this in all these years....

I have been, and always will be much, much more to you than that.... just like you will always be much, much more than that to me.... we both have been trying to bury this fact over the years.... it's been over twelve years since you first lit your lighter to the wick of my soul, and with a simple thought, word, song from you.... you set me alight anew....

I think I have proven to you that I will never get sick of you.... we had the same discussion way back when.... I told you back then the same thing, and here I am still not sick of you.... I've been sick without you....

is it even a possibility for me to get over you?.... I think it is unlikely, but what am I supposed to do?.... that's what you want me to do.... how do I begin letting you go again.... especially now that you've sucked me into this awesome whirlwind....

tu me manques aussi....

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even though i know you're leaving

this is killing me inside.... I'm enjoying the "conversating" way too much, but I don't know if it's doing me any good.... I can't decide whether it really is therapeutic for me, or if it's actually self-destructive.... it just reminds me of how I don't have you, and that eventually this will all lead to our final goodbye.... but I know I have to just suck it up and do this for you....

this has made me think of that time when I was in his shoes and you were figuring things out for yourself.... is this what you went through in the early stages of us?.... are you having the same thoughts and feelings as you did back then for what's his muthereffen face?.... the old me would have been wounded by the thought, but I'm different now.... I would hate to think that I have forced an innocent bystander into the same position that I hated being in.... I hope this is not the same thing.... but don't worry, I'm no junior.... I still know what's right and what's wrong....

I know this feels a little bit wrong.... but f*ck me, it feels so right.... "it's the sanest and most comfortable feeling at the moment".... and I want the moment to last forever.... I'm confused, all I wanted was to find my peace.... now I'm in even more turmoil than when I began.... and like you said, we're not going to finish this in one sitting.... but finish is the operative word that I dread.... we both know how things finished the last time.... not that part of it, but the part where you chose me, the new guy and got rid of the old guy.... but this time 'round, I'm the old guy....

take your time though.... but not too long that it destroys me.... but maybe that's what I need to happen in order to get over you.... in the meantime, like I said before.... I'll take what I can have of you for as long as I can have it.... and I'll enjoy it, and endure it at the same time....

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i'm on fire for you, clearly

there's not a whole lot that makes me happy anymore.... but this morning was an exception.... I haven't woken up this happy in a long long time.... I realize now it wasn't a game you were playing.... you were just fighting yourself.... there was something you could not bring yourself to tell me and so you avoided the answer all together, trying to tell me in other ways.... deep down you know "let's chat" was not so much for my benefit as it was for you.... but you have someone to protect aside from your own ego, and I'm sorry to have placed you in this position.... I used to be that guy once upon a time if you remember, so I wouldn't wish it on anybody....

I knew I should have trusted my gut feeling about you.... I have always known your heart, no matter how much you fight it.... it belongs to me, as mine has always belonged to you.... if we are going to move on from each other we need to work on it together.... as much as I want to keep you for myself, I know how many obstacles we would first have to hurdle.... I have to let you go so you can find your happiness sooner rather than later.... as long as he makes you happy, then I'll be happy.... of course that's not entirely true, but you'll never hear it from me....

there are three words you're not going to hear from me as well.... but I know you know how much I want to say them.... let me just stand on this, my personal platform and sing it in my silent song.... like I told you, catharsis is good.... I don't care if others peer into my cathartic exercises to find that this fool has loved and lost, because I am the better for it.... I am better because of you....

I think those same three words are there, welling up inside your chest too.... but I don't expect them to reach your vocal chords.... I'm here to help you release the tension in more appropriate ways... I'm still not sure what we are doing.... but it sure feels nice, so can we just enjoy it for a little bit longer?.... I'll take what I can have of you for as long as I can have it....

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"let's chat" she said

F*ck me!... I knew I should never have opened up that box.... it was, afterall, labeled "PANDORA"!.... I should have known better.... I'm seriously effed up now.... if only you weren't so damn fine....

Who will believe my verse in time to come,
If it were fill'd with your most high deserts?
Though yet heaven knows it is but as a tomb
Which hides your life, and shows not half your parts.
If I could write the beauty of your eyes,
And in fresh numbers number all your graces,
The age to come would say 'This poet lies;
Such heavenly touches ne'er touch'd earthly faces.'

from Sonnet 17
William Shakespeare

what am I doing anyway?.... all I know is that it feels nice to hear from you once and a while again.... in fact it feels too good.... I suffer from withdrawal when my inbox lies empty.... I really should know better, but I just can't help it....

I'm not really sure what game it is you're playing, but I'll play along for a while.... until I get sick of it.... we're both too fuckin' old for games.... I asked you for one simple thing.... to know that you're happy so I can move on.... maybe you think you're helping me through my shit by all this.... so I'd stop looking over my shoulder like you said.... you've actually made it worse.... sure, I'm not looking over my shoulder anymore.... the problem is that I've stopped in my tracks, did a 180 and am looking back, right at you....

it's probably all good.... my memory and my feelings for you have been perfectly preserved in the vacuum of my mind for too long.... I need to return them to the entropy of reality.... I'm hoping that the likely endpoint can be staved off for just a little longer.... I've been enjoying my little bubble.... but I guess all bubbles eventually burst....

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Monday, December 21, 2009

With Glowing Hearts...

We see thee rise, the true north strong and free! From far and wide, GO CANADA, we stand on guard for thee!
Olympic TorchOlympic Torch in Mississauga 06ii
Over the past few days, I was able to greet the Olympic Flame as it made its way through the Greater Toronto Area.... it began its journey on October 22, 2009 as all Olympic Flames do, in the Temple of Hera in Olympia Greece.... there, a high priestess focused the sun's rays on a metal reflector to ignite a torch.... after an 8 day relay through Greece, the flame was taken to Canadian soil in Victoria B.C. where it began what will be the longest domestic Olympic torch relay in history....

bc-081121-olympic-torch-national-FULL
it has already made its way through Northern and Eastern Canada and even passed through CFS Alert in the northern tip of Nunavut!.... for trivial pursuit purposes, Alert Nunavut is the most northern permanently inhabited settlement in the world.... well, it wasn't as cold as Nunavut, but it was pretty darn cold in Toronto on Thursday when Chuck and I welcomed the flame at Nathan Phillips Square....
Olympic Torch at Nathan Phillips 06Olympic Torch at Nathan Phillips 05Torch Relay Toronto 01Torch Relay Toronto 03
luckily there was lotsa music to keep us moving and warm.... I had to take a picture of these protesters to remind myself of how much I love breathing the sweet sweet air of freedom and democracy!....
DSC06371DSC06337
just last year during the 2008 Communist China Olympic relay any signs of free speech were stifled and/or censored by communist gestapo tactics..... FREE TIBET you heathens!!!.... btw, the sign says "No Olympics. No tar sands on stolen Native land".... aside from the First Nations protesters there were also anti-poverty protesters who were able to cause a disruption in the relay.... this resulted in over an hour delay in the Flame's arrival into Nathan Phillips Square.... but it was all good, it gave Chuck and I more time to partay....
Torch Relay Toronto 02

on Saturday, while I was out starting my Christmas shopping (hey this is really early for me), I caught the Olympic flame again as it came through Mississauga....
Olympic Torch in Mississauga 42iOlympic Torch in Mississauga 46i
our final torch bearer was two time Olympic Gold Medal Champion Cheryl Pounder of the Canadian Women's Hocky Team.... videoOlympic Torch in Mississauga 20i another of the Mississauga torch bearers was our own and very beloved mayor, Her Worship Hazel McCallion.... at 88, she kept pace with her juniors jogging the Olympic Torch 400m before passing it on to the next torch bearer.... she has been Mississauga's Mayor since 1978 and she's still very much the "Hurricane Hazel" we all adore....
Olympic Torch in Mississauga 10iOlympic Torch in Mississauga 17
despite hosting the Olympics twice before, Canada has yet to win a gold medal on Canadian soil, but the third time is usually a charm, so GO TEAM CANADA in Vancouver 2010.... looking forward to Feb. 12, good luck/bonne chance!

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Sunday, December 20, 2009

"i will always be right here" she said

you know, you're right.... you've always been there.... I've tried so many times to say goodbye.... but no matter what I do, and no matter the length of time that passes, you're always right there.... even throwing away all traces of you was futile.... there are odd stragglers that remain and they pop out of nowhere, when I least expect it.... you wrote me a song.... I found it.... who does that?!.... I don't know any woman who writes their man a song.... but you did.... I was so lucky to have had you, but you've ruined me for all others....

I long to hear you sing to me again.......

I cannot escape you.... your story has been inextricably written into my own.... from once upon a time, when an annoying little bossy brat of a girl had a secret crush on this geeky nerd of a boy (don't deny it).... to that moment of magic in the cottage that I initially tried to deny....

I cannot deny you now.... you're in everything I see.... I see you in everything.... when I look down at the dorsum of my foot, I see a scar.... a sharp coral gave it to me while I was diving in the deep and peaceful blue of the Philippine sea, trying to drown out the truth that I had lost you.... now I cannot escape that scar.... when I look at it, I also see the scar on the dorsum of your foot.... the scar from the cut that I sutured for you in the emergency room.... it's my mark on you.... has it faded, or do you just ignore it?.... no matter, it's still nothing compared to the mark you have stitched into my soul....

I wish I could escape from you with the ease with which you have escaped from me.... but I can't.... so I'll stop trying to escape you.... I'll just be here... singing my silent songs.... until I can escape my self.

until then, sing to me as I remember you.......


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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

He a Baby-Daddy!

I have been informed that Nermal is the baby-daddy of his ex's chilrens.... back in the spring of 2003 before we left the Philippines, Nermal's ex Fluffy was in heat.... I thought that Nermal, being an inexperienced young buck who had just turned one, wasn't getting the deed done.... I was wrong! Mah boi good....

High Five Nermal
I guess what they did when I was out was more productive than the strange and disturbing kitty 69'ing they allowed me the unfortunate privilege to see.... actually it was less of 69'ing and more 9d'ing, if you can imagine that....

(pause to imagine).....

So, here is the the family tree....
Nermal and Fluffy 01
Fluffy and Nermal begat....
LickittyNermal Jr. 01
Lickitty and Nermal Jr.!

Lickitty is a boy who takes after his mother... he gets his name from his unusual habit of licking the fingers of sleeping beauties.
Nermal Jr. 02
Nermal Jr. is a girl who has her father's eyes.... sans the lacrimal duct obstruction.... she is apparently a bit of a snob... which she did not inherit from her father... she appears to be a brown tabby which confirms my earlier suspicions that beneath the white fur of Fluffy lay the genetics of a brown tabby.... the white coat gene is a dominant trait and will mask the coat colour and pattern genes.... I suspected that Fluffy had genes for a brown coat and tabby markings because oftentimes I would find random non-white hairs on her.... on closer examination they appeared brown or black with banding patterns consistent with the hair of a tabby.... okay, I better stop myself before I turn this into a discussion on feline genetics.... I used to read up on it a lot in anticipation of Fluffy and Nermal's mating, so I could probably pull out my punnet squares and go on and on.... I never actually thought I'd get any answers to my questions until the news was confirmed... okay, sometimes I just have to learn to stop over-analyzing things and just enjoy the ride and the view....

Back to the family tree.... in a feat of Oedipal proportions, Lickitty and Fluffy begat Naffy and Nopy....
NaffyNopy
Nopy has apparently inherited his grandfather Nermal's penchant for playing nicky nicky nine door...

So there you have it folks, Nermal a daddy and a grand daddy, and I's a grand pappy and great grand pappy!

Cubans all around!
habano-club_5309_r2

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Monday, December 14, 2009

"happiness is a state of mind" she said

you never really answered my question.... but I guess a part of me still does not want to hear the truth.... ignorance is my bliss.... in the ignorance are the possibilities that I cling to....

I knew you would find your bliss if I didn't hold you back.... I'm proud of you, and the part of me that can still feel happy feels it for you....

you also said that you would always be right there.... well, I'll always be right here, being the biggest fan you'll ever have....

I wish I could show you all the places in me where I find you.... but I can't do that to you.

follow your bliss........


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Wednesday, December 09, 2009

have i told you?

As an unperfect actor on the stage,
Who with his fear is put beside his part,
Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage,
Whose strength's abundance weakens his own heart;
So I, for fear of trust, forget to say
The perfect ceremony of love's rite,
And in mine own love's strength seem to decay,
O'ercharg'd with burden of mine own love's might.
O! let my [blogs] be then the eloquence
And dumb presagers of my speaking breast,
Who plead for love, and look for recompense,
More than that tongue that more hath more express'd.

O! learn to read what silent love hath writ:
To hear with eyes belongs to love's fine wit.
Sonnet 23
William Shakespeare

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Thursday, December 03, 2009

I'm Barely Holding on to You

St Patrick's Cathedral 007vi
I'm here still waiting, though I still have my doubts....
In the pain there is healing, in Your name I find meaning....
St Patrick's Cathedral 008v
1 de profundis clamavi ad te Domine
2 Domine exaudi vocem meam fiant aures tuae intendentes in vocem deprecationis meae
3 si iniquitates observabis Domine Domine quis sustinebit
4 quia apud te propitiatio est propter legem tuam sustinui te Domine sustinuit anima mea in verbum eius
5 speravit anima mea in Domino
6 a custodia matutina usque ad noctem speret Israhel in Domino
7 quia apud Dominum misericordia et copiosa apud eum redemptio
8 et ipse redimet Israhel ex omnibus iniquitatibus eius
psalmus CXXX


So I'm hanging on another day, just to see what You will throw my way....
I'm hanging on to the words You say, You said that I will be okay....
St Patrick's Cathedral 029i

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

It's Christmas Time in the City

Thanksgiving 16I'm back in New York City in time for Thanksgiving! AMERICAN Thanksgiving that is.... which works out because I missed the REAL Thanksgiving since I was not in Canada in October (just kidding American cousins).... anyways.... I usually say "humbug" whenever I see early signs of the Christmas commercialism which has hijacked the CHRISTmas season, but not this year.... I seem to have caught the CHRISTmas spirit early just from walking around Manhattan....

Thanksgiving 03Thanksgiving 11
it's kinda hard not to get caught up in the festive air that has descended on this already vibrant and exciting city....
Thanksgiving 02Thanksgiving 08Thanksgiving 12Thanksgiving 14Thanksgiving 15Thanksgiving 13
besides, I've got lots to be thankful for this year, as with every year.... earlier today, I caught the tail end of the Thanksgiving Day Parade.... literally, 'coz all I saw of it was Santa's tail end moving away.... but no worries 'coz as they cleaned up the parade route, I got to see his sleigh up close and personal, along with a more interesting bearded wonder....
Thanksgiving 07Thanksgiving 06
so, whether you're American or Canadian or what not, I hope your Thanksgiving was great.... I hope y'all enjoy the coming holiday season... don't be a humbug....

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Osteoglossum bicirrhosum Part 8 - The Last Part

Last week I came home only to face a very unfortunate incident.... my beloved, and very awesome arowana Mushu; who I've had for four years and had grown to a length of 23", died.... Mushu's Burial 01A couple of days after I came home he decided to jump out of his tank. Even though he was placed back in time, he sustained multiple injuries. He succumbed to those injuries two days later... on Remembrance Day no less.... so this will be the last time I will blog about Mushu. I buried him near the pond under the crabapple tree....Mushu'50s Burial thanks for everything buddy, enjoy yourself in that big pond in the sky....Mushu's Burial 02

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